Courtesy of the Chicago Sun-Times
Dear Blogger:
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Thank you for your recent submission. Though I have given your Weblog careful attention and consideration, I regret to inform you that it does not suit my present needs, for the following reason(s) (checked):
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You feel as though rules of grammar, punctuation and sentence structure are just chains that the man uses to keep you down. Although it’s true that the best writers break these rules with spectacular results, they never forget that their keyboards contain buttons for periods and commands. As well as a “shift” key.
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Your blog doesn’t have an Atom/RSS/XML syndication feed. It was smashing stuff, truly, but I keep forgetting to check it for new posts and articles. If you had a syndication feed — it’s a built-in option with most blogging software — I could bookmark your blog in Bloglines.com or any desktop newsreader, and be alerted to every update.
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You’ve got absolutely nothing to say, and yet you rush to a keyboard, and tell everyone about it right away. When you find yourself typing the phrase, “Another boring day in which nothing much happened,” that’s your subconscious mind leaping to the defense of your readers.
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There’s too much “Inside Baseball.” Remember that I don’t know who you are, and I just barely care about what’s going on in your life. If you’re going to blog about the ongoing battle to weed out the malfeasance and corruption that riddles your fantasy baseball group, I’m going to need context, not just LiveJournal usernames.
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Your attempt to go viral is adorable. Look, sweetie, let the “One Red Paperclip” guy do the One Red Paperclip thing, OK?
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You’re a nutter. Seriously, dude. It was funny to read your disjointed, dare I say Mansonian rantings for a while, just like it’s funny to watch a dog try to run up a down escalator. But inevitably it all just skeeved me out.
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Your articles are too long. And I don’t necessarily mean they’re boring. Gay Talese’s legendary 1966 Esquire feature “Frank Sinatra Has a Cold” weighs in at 15,000 words. But unlike a magazine, a Weblog is a medium based on 10-minute chunks of reading. Just divide your magnum opus into 1,000-to-2,000-word chapters, and turn it into a weeklong series.
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You rely too much on the linky-linky. Links to other sites are supposed to supplement your original content, not replace it. Besides, there are hundreds of YouTube videos of a skater who attempted to execute a frontside 180 ollie into a switch crooked grind to fakie, but instead just wound up slamming into an iron railing. What makes this one special?
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You overlook the uncomfortable possibility that you just might be totally full of it. Political, environmental, sociological, technological points of view — bring ‘em on and keep ‘em coming. But if you’re this certain of your own beliefs and this disdainful of all others, why are you squandering your precious gifts? Instead of blogging, you should be running for office, or perfecting a new sort of low-calorie meal-in-a-blender product.
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You appear to think of the $120-a-year you spend on Webhosting as an economical alternative to the $250 a month that you should be spending telling this same stuff to a qualified therapist. As a blogger, you shouldn’t be afraid to reveal yourself to the reader on occasion, but there comes a point when the reader starts feeling like a voyeur. And those people already have their own part of the Web, you know?
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The title of your blog includes the word “Thoughts” or “Musings.” I’m taking a hard line on this; I have my reasons.
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June 29th, 2006 at 4:17 pm
Funny post.
Thank goodness I do not resemble ANY of these examples. Not in the slightest.
June 30th, 2006 at 8:15 am
Great, now I’m paranoid.